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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29828361">Ichiban</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMusicalCC/pseuds/TheMusicalCC'>TheMusicalCC</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>xxxHoLic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, But also Douwata if you squint, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I'll ship everything I'll ship your mom I'll ship myself, Insecurity, TRY AND STOP ME, WataYuu if you squint</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:47:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,181</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29828361</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMusicalCC/pseuds/TheMusicalCC</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t know anyone who’s met both me and him and actually prefers me.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ichiban</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re in a mood.” </p><p>Watanuki pretended not to hear her, eyes set on the food he was preparing, but he felt his eyebrow twitch despite himself when Maru, Moro and Mokona echoed the statement in sing-song.</p><p>“In a mood!”</p><p>“In a mood!”</p><p>“Watanuki’s in a mood!”</p><p>He dipped his head, lips pursed. </p><p>“My, my, it must be bad if you’re not even flailing about.” Yuuko-san continued and he twitched. Hammer, meet nail’s head. “Or are you ill?” her hand reached for his face, coaxing him to turn to her- not this time! He averted his eyes, lips pursed, and felt her gaze wander over him. “Hmm, this is bad.” Not biting. Not this time. She always did this, get him worried over nothing- except when she didn’t. <em> Shoot </em>. His eyes flashed to her and he saw her expression was grim “Dear me, he has all the signs, Mokona.”</p><p>“Oh no!”</p><p>“All the signs!”</p><p>“All the signs!”</p><p>“W-what signs?” he finally asked. She smiled- <em> crap </em>.</p><p>“You had a spat with Doumeki-kun, didn’t you?”</p><p>Normally, this is where he’d start with the furious, frantic denial. Instead, Watanuki pulled himself from her grasp, fuming, and went back to cooking, determined not to reply to even one thing she said from then on.</p><p>“A spat, for sure.” Yuuko-san stage-whispered.</p><p>“They had a spat, yes!” Mokona replied in the same manner.</p><p>“And now he’s taking it out on us.” those words made his skin crawl, his head dipping a bit lower.</p><p>“Taking it out on us.” Moro joined in.</p><p>“Taking it out on us.” Maru joined in as well.</p><p>“I didn’t say a thing.” he said, his tone trained.</p><p>“That’s exactly it, you’re punishing us with your indifference.” Yuuko-san said, as Mokona and the girls nodded. </p><p>“Would you rather I <em> yelled </em> ?!” he said, grasping at his patience with all his might. <em> Because that can be arranged </em>.</p><p>“Watanuki isn’t Watanuk otherwise!” Mokona piped. </p><p>“So I’m just some guy that <em> yells </em>?”</p><p>“You’re our guy that yells!” Mokona sing-sang as she leaped to his shoulder, landing a smack on his cheek. Ah yes, that was him. Whiner of whines. Screamer of screams. What a delight of a guy.</p><p>“Come now, this happens to al couples.” Yuuko-san intervened “Both of you just need to admit the parts were each was at fault and-”</p><p>“He wasn’t.” he almost muttered, fully expecting her not to hear, but when she went silent, he realized she had, so he sighed “At fault, that is. Not this time.” Yuuko-san stayed silent, perhaps expecting him to elaborate.“I don’t want to talk about it.” he lied through his teeth. He did want to talk about it, he <em> needed </em> it, most likely, but in this matter, he was probably going to get mocked and he wasn’t sure he could take it. Additionally, he had a feeling she <em> knew </em> already. And saying it out loud would only make it real and- perhaps if he didn’t it would go back to being a thought in the back of his head that sometimes reared its ugly head and nothing more. </p><p>“I see…” Yuuko-san said and he heard her feet shift over the wooden floor, turning.</p><p>“But, you know.” Mokona said, patting his face with her little paws “If you change your mind…”</p><p>He’d begun noticing lately that sometimes Mokona said things Yuuko-san couldn’t- he wasn’t sure why, although he suspected it was because of the price. Things like asking if he was OK and fuzzing over him. He’d always notice Yuuko-san pointedly looking elsewhere whenever this was the case. It made his insides melt, somehow. He felt his mood soften, just a bit. He nodded and heard them trail out of the room and leave him to his thoughts.</p><p>Perhaps if he-</p><p>
  <em> No. </em>
</p><p>But Yuuko-san always knew what to say-</p><p><em> But this is different. </em>It wasn’t a well-intentioned mistake like the ones he usually made, or a strain of bad luck, it was- embarrassing. Mortifying. She’d probably scold him- and it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it, but-</p><p>Well, it was different to be embarrassed about the usual things- his lack of upper-body strength, for instance. This was more like how it felt to come clean about his seeing spirits when he was a kid. A sharp reminder that something was very wrong with him and he didn’t know how to- not be like that. </p><p>His silence was short-lived, though, because when he came out to the veranda with the night snacks, he found Yuuko-san had poured an extra drink and somehow he just <em> knew </em>.</p><p>“<em>He was here?!</em>” he shrilled, looking around, almost expecting him to be hiding behind a tree or something. Yuuko-san took a sip of her own drink. Next to her, Mokona was sleeping, lulled by a full tummy.</p><p>“Because you were so upset when he last saw you.” she said. Watanuki’s insides seemed to coil. “He asked me if I knew what your problem was- I said- <em> do you want a list </em>?” he scowled at her, but she had a point “It seems he doesn’t know what he did wrong this time either but he knows it made you furious.”</p><p>“I told you, he didn’t do anything wrong this time.”</p><p>“I told him as much, but he was even more confused.” she paused, lips at the edge of her cup “...he told me what happened.”</p><p>“<em> Ah </em>.” of course he did. Watanuki kept his eyes down. Yuuko-san once more seemed to wait for him to elaborate before speaking again.</p><p>“What did they do? Those girls.”</p><p>He looked at her, the tiniest bit surprised. He hadn’t expected that to be her first response.</p><p>“What makes you think they did anything?” he muttered.</p><p>“Because you said Doumeki-kun did nothing wrong. It sounds to me as though they were the ones to make you mad.” she’d hit the nail on the head again and- crap, did that mean she knew? Was she just looking to have him say it? Couldn’t she- for once, just-! He grit his teeth, stomach still coiling with anger or humiliation or- whatever it was, there was a lot of it “Whatever they did must have been pretty bad.”</p><p>There was a fleeting temptation to let her, and Doumeki think they really had done something and it wasn’t just him being- an idiot. It was short-lived, however. It wasn’t lying, but it wasn’t fair either.</p><p>“It’s not- like that…” he said “They didn’t do anything either.” there was a moment of silence and he sat properly, legs crossed, across the tray from Yuuko-san, head lowered, eyes flashing between the tray and her. He took a breath and began  “Those girls are in my home-economics class, they’ve been… all along, I think. I’m- not sure but they talk to me like they know me, and they’re always praising my cooking abilities, and asking me for advice, so I think- they must know me, right?” there was a strange moment where Yuuko-san’s face looked almost sorrowful. He did a double-take, but-</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>The expression (If it ever <em> was </em> there) was already gone and she was smiling almost politely.</p><p>“I though- no, um…” he looked back at the tray, head dipped “These girls, well, they act like they like me. Not- you know, <em> like that </em>, but at the very least I always got the impression that they liked spending time around me. And- today we were just swapping tips about the recipe we’d worked on, we were having a good time and all… but then, Doumeki…” he trailed off and had to swallow. </p><p>“Didn’t you say he didn’t do anything?”</p><p>“Well, he did but it’s not- all he did was show up.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“It was as though I didn’t exist at all.” he couldn’t help his tone becoming bitter. Once more, she didn’t respond, awaiting for him to elaborate. “One minute we were- and then-!” he gritted his teeth, starting over “They’ve known me longer, they’ve spent so much time with me, we’re- we’re classmates. It’s not like we’re close friends or anything but- even if I wanted that to happen, the minute Doumeki shows up, it’s-!” he swallowed again “It’s always the same.” he paused “I don’t know anyone who’s met both me and him and actually prefers me.”</p><p>He knew he was being petty, childish. He fully expected Yuuko-san to scoff or even laugh- if someone came to him with this kind of complaint, he’d probably laugh too.</p><p>She wasn’t laughing, though.</p><p>“The Zashiki-Warashi…” she said, simply.</p><p>“She doesn’t know me.” Watanuki said, shaking his head “I- that is- I don’t doubt her sincerity, but- perhaps that’s exactly why. Because she doesn’t know me and she doesn’t know Doumeki that well either. But if she did, then, probably, she would…” he trailed off, he hated how whiny he sounded, but his thoughts hadn’t stopped swirling all day. How many of his friends actually preferred Doumeki over him? Himawari-chan? Kohane? They both praised Doumeki up and down when given the chance… who else? Haruka-san? Well, he was Doumeki’s grandpa, so… Doumeki himself, what did he think? Did he look down on him? Pity him? Was pity why he was always following him around? It was enraging to think about that... Ame Warashi had liked to be close to Doumeki more than she enjoyed Watanuki’s company, because of his aura, Mokona and him were drinking partners. And- and Yuuko-san-</p><p>“I don’t- <em> know </em> why this happens." he continued "Or maybe I do, I know- <em> something </em> is wrong with me but- it hurts. And I couldn’t take it, so I pushed past them and ran- I didn't- I didn't mean to- but I was so mad! And Doumeki went after me and I…” he rubbed his face. The idea of pity had been in his mind at the time too and Doumeki wouldn't leave him alone, no matter what he said, and he'd shoved him with all his might. Doumeki hadn't even seemed to feel it but he looked hurt all the same. So he ran. He left. “No matter what I do, it’s always like this. It’s exhausting. Something is wrong with me, and people perceive it and I can’t do a thing about it. I know I shouldn't be mad at them. Sometimes I just feel like- maybe if they didn’t know him. Maybe if I just were elsewhere, someplace where he can’t follow, but- they know him. They see him be better at <em> everything </em> than I am, and it’s...” he breathed out, slowly “This is why I said he did nothing wrong. This isn’t his fault. He’s not to blame for people liking him better, and it's not like he tries- though somehow that's even worse. I’m just… being selfish, I suppose. Like I said- it’s stupid.” </p><p>One hand slid over his cheek.</p><p>“I don’t think it’s stupid.” Yuuko-san said, her tone soft. “But I do think you’re wrong.” he stared, her face was unexpectedly tender “I, for one, have met both you and Doumeki-kun, and<em> I like you the best </em>.”</p><p>It was like a punch to the gut, he felt just about to cry.</p><p>“I’m sure others feel this way about you- but regarding others’ feelings, there is always going to be some degree of uncertainty. Even words of love can be deceitful, even great deeds can lend themselves to misinterpretation. No one but the person themselves can know what their feelings are. But even if people happened to like Doumeki-kun better, it doesn’t matter, you know why?”</p><p>“No.” he dipped his head, leaning towards her touch a little bit, eyes squeezed shut to keep from tearing.</p><p>“Because it’s not a competition. People can like Doumeki-kun more and that doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. It doesn’t mean he himself doesn't care either. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you’re alone, or that you always will be.”</p><p>He touched Yuuko-san’s hand with his own for a moment.</p><p><em> I like you the best </em>.</p><p>Just like she said, he couldn’t know if it was a lie, but- he didn’t think it was. He believed her. And even if it was one person in the whole world, it was comforting to know someone saw him in his skinny, unimpressive glory and still thought the world of him. For a moment, the only sound was that of the crickets.</p><p>“Are you feeling better?” she asked,removing her hand.</p><p>“Yes.” he breathed out and set eyes on the cup Doumeki had left behind “...I should apologize to him, huh?”</p><p>“It would be good if you did. Although- he wasn’t mad at you. Just worried- it's not like you to put actual distance between the two of you. So be sure to apologize for worrying him too.”</p><p>“I’ll have to make him a big bento.” he lightened up “That is one thing I’m better at than him- than anyone else I know.” He flinched, a momentary shadow in his mind. “Wait- Yuuko-san, when you say you like me the best, is the reason… because I feed you?”</p><p>She gave him an impish smile for a reply.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ichiban= Number one. The very best or on top.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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